I’m sitting here blaring music that’s not exactly kosher (is that the right word?), having a sort of emotional breakthrough. I guess that’s what you’d call it. A certain ex of mine (I’m going to try to avoid names as much as possible here…I’m not sure if it’ll matter or not that I did), he always told me I shouldn’t take shit from people the way I do (pardon my French, but that’s the best way I know of putting it). He thought I shouldn’t guard my feelings the way I do, that I should be completely open and honest in my reaction to anything and everything. I don’t completely see myself as a pushover, but when I do look at myself that way, I normally overcompensate by being overly aggressive. Stupid. I don’t understand most of the emotions I have, so I deal as well as I can. I let certain people get under my skin a whole lot more than I do others, simply because I’m afraid to sever what little bond there is between us. Lately, though, I’m really very emotionally exhausted from those attempts, and scared that it’s not even worth it. Why waste so much energy protecting something that doesn’t actually benefit me at all, as far as I can tell? I think I have it ingrained in me that things are supposed to be a certain way, and I’ll pretty much go through Hell to keep them that way. I have no idea why.
Everyone’s fakeness is the biggest thing that’s getting to me. It’s like a charade. Just when I feel that I know which part I’m supposed to be playing, it all backfires somehow. I don’t even know how to describe it. If it weren’t for me getting stepped on in this process, I honestly would turn a blind eye to the entire thing. Is that wrong of me? It’s like being guilty by association. And I feel that way, regardless. I’m guilty. Always. No matter what. But back to the ordeal…it’s like…it’s one great big show. All of the actors know they’re acting, and they know that everyone else is acting, but it’s an extremely unheard-of faux pas to say anything about it! I can’t deal with it anymore, though, I don’t want to act. I want to feel things for myself, not because I’m supposed to feel them, but because I actually DO feel them. I want to be able to openly express them. And, possibly above all else, I want everyone else to express their feelings to me. Feelings about something other than how wrong they think I am for coming clean about the charade, for living my life, and for not being exactly what/who they think I should be. I don’t know how else to say it. Even as I write this, I’m walking on eggshells, because I’m not being politically correct, I’m not choosing my words for the sole purpose of avoiding offending anyone. And it really bothers me that just by doing that, I feel enormous guilt. I shouldn’t feel that, this isn’t how things should be! It makes me crazy to know that, to feel it with every ounce of my being, and yet to know that no one is going to support me. It’s as if I’m in the middle of a room full of people, screaming, and no one will even acknowledge me, until I sink to their level and play their game. Only then, will I get anywhere. I know the game is so very wrong, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m helpless.
In closing, all I really want to accomplish with this is equality. I want to be seen on the same level as everyone else. I don’t judge anyone if there’s any way possible for me to help from doing so. Therefore, I don’t feel that I should be judged. I can’t live with hearing my mistakes reverberated back to me tenfold. I feel like I’m a strong person, at least I think I am, but I just can’t handle the pressure anymore. Either treat me one way or the other. Don’t let it rest on whether or not my recent (or not-so-recent) behavior has been up to standards. It shouldn’t matter. All that I’ve been doing in the last few months has been because it’s what I want, and I’ve been falling back into the trap of trying to do everything to please everyone else, but I’m catching myself. I’m not going any further. I’m going to listen to the music I like, make the career and romance choices I feel are best, go where I want, say what I want, and do what I want. As childish as that may sound, I’m resorting to it because I feel I have no other choice. I don’t want to lose myself in the drama. I feel that’s the most mature decision I can make, because this amount of drama shouldn’t be found anywhere but in high schools and soap operas. I know that’s lame, but that’s all I can think of to say about it.
Oh, and of course: I’m sorry. In advance.
PS-Thanks Jenn, for the inspiration from your blog that finally pushed me into doing this, what I should've done long ago. You're such an awesome friend.