Digging My Own Grave

I’m sitting here blaring music that’s not exactly kosher (is that the right word?), having a sort of emotional breakthrough. I guess that’s what you’d call it. A certain ex of mine (I’m going to try to avoid names as much as possible here…I’m not sure if it’ll matter or not that I did), he always told me I shouldn’t take shit from people the way I do (pardon my French, but that’s the best way I know of putting it). He thought I shouldn’t guard my feelings the way I do, that I should be completely open and honest in my reaction to anything and everything. I don’t completely see myself as a pushover, but when I do look at myself that way, I normally overcompensate by being overly aggressive. Stupid. I don’t understand most of the emotions I have, so I deal as well as I can. I let certain people get under my skin a whole lot more than I do others, simply because I’m afraid to sever what little bond there is between us. Lately, though, I’m really very emotionally exhausted from those attempts, and scared that it’s not even worth it. Why waste so much energy protecting something that doesn’t actually benefit me at all, as far as I can tell? I think I have it ingrained in me that things are supposed to be a certain way, and I’ll pretty much go through Hell to keep them that way. I have no idea why.
Everyone’s fakeness is the biggest thing that’s getting to me. It’s like a charade. Just when I feel that I know which part I’m supposed to be playing, it all backfires somehow. I don’t even know how to describe it. If it weren’t for me getting stepped on in this process, I honestly would turn a blind eye to the entire thing. Is that wrong of me? It’s like being guilty by association. And I feel that way, regardless. I’m guilty. Always. No matter what. But back to the ordeal…it’s like…it’s one great big show. All of the actors know they’re acting, and they know that everyone else is acting, but it’s an extremely unheard-of faux pas to say anything about it! I can’t deal with it anymore, though, I don’t want to act. I want to feel things for myself, not because I’m supposed to feel them, but because I actually DO feel them. I want to be able to openly express them. And, possibly above all else, I want everyone else to express their feelings to me. Feelings about something other than how wrong they think I am for coming clean about the charade, for living my life, and for not being exactly what/who they think I should be. I don’t know how else to say it. Even as I write this, I’m walking on eggshells, because I’m not being politically correct, I’m not choosing my words for the sole purpose of avoiding offending anyone. And it really bothers me that just by doing that, I feel enormous guilt. I shouldn’t feel that, this isn’t how things should be! It makes me crazy to know that, to feel it with every ounce of my being, and yet to know that no one is going to support me. It’s as if I’m in the middle of a room full of people, screaming, and no one will even acknowledge me, until I sink to their level and play their game. Only then, will I get anywhere. I know the game is so very wrong, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m helpless.
In closing, all I really want to accomplish with this is equality. I want to be seen on the same level as everyone else. I don’t judge anyone if there’s any way possible for me to help from doing so. Therefore, I don’t feel that I should be judged. I can’t live with hearing my mistakes reverberated back to me tenfold. I feel like I’m a strong person, at least I think I am, but I just can’t handle the pressure anymore. Either treat me one way or the other. Don’t let it rest on whether or not my recent (or not-so-recent) behavior has been up to standards. It shouldn’t matter. All that I’ve been doing in the last few months has been because it’s what I want, and I’ve been falling back into the trap of trying to do everything to please everyone else, but I’m catching myself. I’m not going any further. I’m going to listen to the music I like, make the career and romance choices I feel are best, go where I want, say what I want, and do what I want. As childish as that may sound, I’m resorting to it because I feel I have no other choice. I don’t want to lose myself in the drama. I feel that’s the most mature decision I can make, because this amount of drama shouldn’t be found anywhere but in high schools and soap operas. I know that’s lame, but that’s all I can think of to say about it.
Oh, and of course: I’m sorry. In advance.

PS-Thanks Jenn, for the inspiration from your blog that finally pushed me into doing this, what I should've done long ago. You're such an awesome friend.

Our Very First

Today's going to be short and sweet. Partially because I'm multi-tasking, and partially because there's not a ton to say about the subject.

On Friday, March 27, Travis and I went with his church group to the Rock and Worship Roadshow Tour at U.S. Airways Center in Phoenix. It was the first concert either of us had ever been to, and it wasn't too bad for our first. We drove separately (so we could leave early and go for a hike), so we planned to meet them there, and ended up running into some of his friends shortly after getting inside, which was a miracle considering how many people were there (I think they said it topped twelve thousand people). We went and picked out our seats, then decided since we were hungry (and had time to kill-the concert wasn't set to start for quite a while), we'd go to the concessions area for something to eat. We waited in (a very short) line for 45 minutes...finally got to the front and paid like $20 for very little food and one small bottle of water. It's what I expected, just frustrating to have to wait so long (we were on the main level). Then we sat in the concert for about an hour and a half. By that time, I had a migraine and Travis was also ready to go (MercyMe, the only artist I knew, hadn't even come on yet). So, we left and stayed in Black Canyon for the night (so we wouldn't have to drive all the way home, since it was so late). Everything that happened was to be expected, but for our next concert we now know two things: we're going to eat right before we go; and we're bringing earplugs.

Pure Pictures.

Today I just have a bunch of pictures that I've finally gotten around to organizing, from the White Cane Parade in Black Canyon City on April 4th, 2009. Enjoy!



Several people I know in Phoenix have told me that they don't understand how someone can just ride a quad down the street (they've NEVER seen it happen). So I guess that's one of those "You might be a redneck..." sort of things, hehe.






This float for the archery club was completely awesome!






Only in a small town...








Awana


There were probably around 40 corvettes. They just kept coming, and coming...of course, Black Canyon doesn't have that many corvettes. It was the "Vette Sette" Club, from Prescott. Lol.


This was 4-6th graders, and they were extremely good.






That's my grandma, on the far left.

Celebration!

As some of you may know, yesterday was my first day volunteering at a Montessori preschool in Prescott. I'll be volunteering there four more days (spread out through the rest of April), then working (paid!) for the first half of May (1st-12th), after which we'll be heading out on our road trip (they were actually only looking for me to work two weeks total in May, to get a feel for it before the summer program, but they weren't picky about which two weeks-so the road trip fit in well with that). We get back from the road trip May 31st, and their 2-month summer program starts June 1st! The timing couldn't have worked out more perfectly. It'll be interesting jumping right into the summer program only a day after we're scheduled to get back from the road trip (no time to recuperate), but I'm really looking forward to it.
The Montessori Method is something I learned about when the parents of the girls I babysat in Phoenix were looking into which school they wanted to put the girls in for kindergarten. Villa Montessori was one that they looked into, and although they chose a different one, I found it interesting to know about the different methods and ways of teaching that are out there.
In looking for a child care job here, I discovered two different Montessori schools, and the one I'm now volunteering at is the only one (out of many) that invited me to observe their routine for about an hour, and discussed with me the possibilities of my employment there (rather than just saying, "fill out an application and we'll call you if an opening comes up, which might happen in the summer but we don't know for sure"). They had the same situation as the other schools, possible openings in the summer but none until then, but they were a lot more pro-active about it. So, because of that and being able to observe (and the fact that I really like the Montessori Method), they were by far my favorite of all the places I looked at.
Yesterday went well, they were really helpful on transitioning me into things. I was able to be involved in their activities, without any actual responsibilities to worry about, so that I could mostly learn by doing and by observation of the way they do things. I know about half the kids' names now (no small feat, with a group of 20-25 children), and they seem to like me for the most part. I had a lot of fun, and I'm really glad to have the opportunity to be paid for doing something I love (I haven't really experienced that a whole lot, so far). They made me feel like an asset, too, in that they're teaching the kids Spanish and Sign Language, both of which I know semi-well (I'm extremely limited, but I know enough to carry on a simple conversation, which is all they really need for the kids). In all, it went great, and I'm really excited about the possibilities.

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter, all! Now, I know I'm 21...and Travis is 19...so we're not technically "little kids," but I really wanted to dye eggs. So we did. :)

Travis and I went to our parents' (mom and stepdad) yesterday and dyed eggs, then stayed the night last night and went to Easter services with them this morning (and had a very elegant Easter lunch-sandwiches, chips, and dip). I got Travis to buy an egg dying kit (which I later realized was unnecessary, when I discovered recipes online for mixing your own dye with water, vinegar, and food coloring-essentially the same thing the kit came with), and white eggs (I normally buy the brown ones-cage free, all that jazz) last week, and I boiled the eggs. So, when we got to BCC, we were all ready to go for dying!

And obviously, you know what happened next...so I'll spare you the dyed-finger details, and just reward you for reading this far by showing you PICTURES!

Take a Hike, Part 2

Here's the second half of my hike with Travis at Badger Springs last Friday.



Our best attempt at one of those "trick picture" shots.


Trying...


Close, but not quite. Travis said he feels like he's not good at ordering people around (for posing the shot), therefore he wasn't able to get me to line my hands up just right.


Mosquito larvae. I thought they were tadpoles, but Trav corrected me, lol.


Lunch time!






Travis did a good job with this picture, showing the huge scale of the rock we were having our picnic under.


Looking up the canyon...


...and back down.









How funny that we both did identical poses. I didn't realize that at the time.


It's cool how "block-y" these rocks are, in rectangle and square shapes instead of round like they usually are.


This frog (toad?) was extremely white. And photogenic!










This butterfly was really pretty.


Minnows.




I was telling him to hurry up and take the picture, as my feet were freezing.


I made it! And judging by my posture, I think I was shivering.





I love how the water does this sometimes, it's all dry sand but there's a moist little squiggly going through it.


I panned the canyon, then put all the pictures together after we got home. I love how it turned out!